Listlessness

I haven't had a very good week this week and I've been afraid to write for fear of self-declaring just how negative and psychotic I can be.  It was supposed to be a good week where I have already bounced back to my positive self after my horrible cycle and instead, I am exhausted, cranky, not sleeping, and I have had cramps for going on a week now.  I should not have cramps for a few more weeks so I don't know what is going on but I suspect I'm having difficulty ovulating or I double-ovulated and my body is going to either skip a cycle or have another one before one is due.  If you're a cyster, you'll know of what I speak as this happens from time to time (if you actually HAVE your cycles, which a lot of cysters do not.)

In addition, I've had horrible restless legs with my legs cramping all night long.  Whilst most nights, I've been lucky to get four hours of sleep, there have been a couple of nights in the last three weeks where I've had that catch up night of sleep where I slept so dead I had very little recollection of anything at all but wake up feeling like someone beat me up in the night with bags of rubber balls.  I can barely lift my head off the pillow let alone get up and one night, I think I even walked in my sleep.  Since Narcolepsy runs in my family, this wouldn't exactly surprise me, but I've never been afflicted before.  My eyes and skin have become so dry and I keep getting dizzy, have vision disturbances, and bad headaches.  I've been eating pretty healthy excepting Happy Hour and my best friend's birthday so I know it's not blood sugar.  So on Thursday, I deduced two things, one - that I should call my hematologist immediately and demand blood work, and two, that I should, if it's time for treatment again, finally give the IUD called Mirena a try to see if I can get the bleeding to stop and put off having a hysterectomy for a bit if I can help it. 

So, blood now drawn, I entered my weekend hoping my Ferritin levels reach whatever level my insurance company says I have to be at to get treatment.  I will find out early next week during one of the busiest weeks in the year at work and will likely have to hold out until after that week to get treatment since I can't miss work during this week.  Joy. 

So I had another weekend feeling disconnected from self.  I feel bad as even the alcohol didn't sustain my brief interlude with alertness on Saturday for my best friend's birthday and as I sat there in the bar with the noise level increasing, there was a part of my brain fixated on the TV and another part screaming in agony.  I could hardly focus on any conversation and I just felt so withdrawn from my own life - like I was sitting there as a ghost trying to listen in to the world of the living.  I've never been good with overly loud environments but I notice that anemia increases sensory problems as well.  It doesn't cure the sensory problems for me all the time, I still have problems when I'm on my cycles, but the rest of the time, I'm so much better.  I hope my best friend isn't upset I wasn't more talkative.  I will make it up to her.

It's almost family dinner time and I'm going to see what I can do to muster some attentiveness for my sibs and my nephew and try to enjoy the rest of the day before the onslaught that next week will be.  I hope my inner self doesn't pull itself all up inside like a tightly wound ball of twine.  I will force 'me' to stay out and alert for as long as possible. 

So, that's all I got for today.  I hope it's treatment time and that I don't have to wait any longer or I sense there will be a freakishly awful enraged sob fest.  Oh well, at least I'm prepared for it.