Introduction

It's Sunday - not an ordinary one by any means as it's snowing, and quite a lot for the 1st of March.  Unlike other Sundays where we have family dinner at midday in the tradition of my Mediterranean ancestry, it will be quiet today and although part of me relishes the quiet and relaxation, another part of me feels barricaded and trapped as I know I can't just do what I want.  Inwardly I cringe at having to face another Monday in just a few short hours.  I cringe as I'll be trapped then also in the hulking and lumbering body I drag around with me through all things except my dreams. 

Unlike this temporary Sunday trap, I rarely relish this me that I live inside, even if at times, it is freeing to know I need not live up to any expectations since most people that view my exterior never see me as capable of any.  One who sees me on the outside looks, passes their judgment on me, and moves quickly on - confident in their opinion I'm not worth a second look.  Confident in their opinion I have let myself go and therefore could not possibly contain anything worth looking at or knowing.  Yet, even though it is freeing, I am forever stuck here, in this place where I am completely trapped.  It matters not who I am or what I want or what I do - what  I believe in, or what's important to me.  Therefore, every action I take must be a desperate one - because I am fat. 

It is the most insulting thing in all the world to say a person has 'let themselves go' and yet, in some ways I have given up.  I have given up on people.  I have no belief in them.  I have given up on doctors.  I have no trust in them.  I have given up on religion.  It has given me no explanation or mantra I can reconcile hope with.  As I write this today, I have only a sliver of hope that I cling to and it is tied to my own courage, my own resolve to still fight even though there are days where my resolve completely disappears and I lay there curled in a ball, screaming on the inside, but tightly clinging to that hope.  It's that sliver of hope that makes me demand more of people in my life in hopes they'll see their own prejudices and yet at the same time truly believe that my friends really do love me and that it's not just pity.  It's that sliver of hope that drives me to be my own health advocate with doctors in hopes they'll see they maybe need to pay more attention, and it's that sliver of hope that keeps me going - still setting goals, still going out on weekends, still travelling - no matter how it hurts emotionally, physically, or mentally.

I fear what will become of me should that sliver disintegrate. 

It took me so many years to find myself and figure out who I am 'on the inside' that the thought of losing myself is to me the most terrifying thing.  The thought that I could care no more about life that I would just let it go.  It's hurts me in a way that is most debilitating emotionally and mentally to know people think that I have let go when I know I still hang on by this sliver.  Even if it might just be only barely.

One cannot change another's thoughts and I am not going to attempt to lecture anyone about what is right or in which ways they might be completely ignorant even though I have personally received this lecture from many others.  Instead, I am going to just lay it all out here.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I am too old to have the life I wanted as a child.  It is not that I don't still have dreams, it's just that I feel I have nothing to lose by being honest about what I go through.  I can also recognize where I need to make improvements or can do better. 

I write this for my Soul Cysters.  The cysters of the past that didn't know they were cysters because doctor's didn't know how to diagnose PCOS; the cysters and fighters of today who even armed with this knowledge face ignorance, prejudice, blame, shame, heartbreak, or persecution; the cysters of the future - may they find a cure; and lastly for the cyster that is me, swimming and sweltering in my prison of adipose, clinging to my sliver of hope that I will one day be free of this sentence I was dealt from puberty onwards. 

Whether you are a cyster or just someone who knows or loves a cyster, I welcome you to my blog.  I can't and won't guarantee it will always be positive but it will be human.

Welcome!