So, I talked about my dreams surrounding being a Mother and how that didn't pan out. For years, I carried around that heartbreak always thinking, 'oh soon, it will happen,' I'll meet the right person, I'll then be able to fulfill my destiny. I dubbed the life I was living at the time as 'Plan B' instead of Plan A (Plan A being to marry and have a family.). All along, though, I didn't realize as I tried to fill my hole, that I was on this discovery and along the way, I changed. While I spent all this time studying religion and culture or politics - and trying to utilize my free hours in a way that interests me, I finally realized I could put my interest in all these things to better use. At first I tried living my 'Plan B' life with gusto and let it become 'Plan A' but I found I wasn't always happy and I recognized that there were things about me that didn't fit that life and so I went back to school and I eased into it and I found out again that I was not only smart, but in many ways equally as smart if not smarter than a lot of my teachers. I also realized I liked learning this way too and it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. Might as well get credit to learn.
So here I was at this not new but same place in my life but viewing it from a different vantage point, realizing things aren't so scary as I always thought they would be, and being this woman who did everything for herself, I looked back on my life with shame at the time I wasted waiting for something to happen - dreaming about things. I had a step-Aunt once who told my Mother that "I would always be nothing but a dreamer" and my Mom told me this which I always thought was cruel but the words have haunted me. Dreaming about Plan A or any plan, for that matter accomplishes nothing. When I'm at work, I didn't wait for promotions to happen - I worked hard, I found out what to do and I went for it. When I didn't like my position, I changed it. I asked myself why I didn't apply that philosophy to the rest of my life. This change in my thinking came about just before I took General Psych and I thought about how most kids take this when they're young and find out things about themselves, learn to understand their parents and other people so they can better navigate through life and that I really screwed myself by not finishing school for that reason alone and yet, I look around me at all the people I know and I think - they've all forgotten. They've forgotten that only they can change their life. Being trapped in a victim state most of my life, I'm embarrassed to say that fact never occurred to me - at least, even if it was lurking just out of site or in the recesses of my mind, it wasn't evident.
Something I should say here is that when another person is in a victim state, no one can force them out. You can try to get them to see themselves until you're blue in the face, but it's not going to happen. If they're not raised to find their way out, or something doesn't click with them in a unique and eye-opening way, it often takes trauma or something major to awaken them and then many just can't handle seeing themselves and go back to doing what they were doing before because change is perceived as too difficult. Lying to oneself and making excuses is easier. I recognized for the first time that I was in part to blame for the fact that I never met anyone. I didn't go out and try to meet anyone. I could've joined a dating site. I could've branched out to meet more people. I could have stopped thinking people wouldn't like me before I ever decided if I liked them. I could just be myself and see what happens.
I have to report that trying to change IS difficult. People are used to you being the you they know. It's hardest to change around family and friends - even though they're the people that are supposed to love you the most. Especially if those friends haven't had that big a part in your life. They don't mean you any harm - not directly, they are just used to you playing the roll YOU play in their life. A change for you is a change to them as well and some part of them will have a problem with you making a change. It doesn't matter if you just want to be you - there will be people who want to keep you right where you are as to them everything is a competition, and they don't want you to be successful or maybe it's because contemplating you are different than they think is just confusing or something. This is especially true when dieting or trying to get healthy but in general - when you change, it changes the friendship or relationship dynamic. Hell, marriages fail over this. I worry about a lot of things because I never want to exclude anyone and I never want to push someone out of my life as I try to become who I ultimately want to be - doing things that I love. When I worry and express this to one of my friends, she always says "Just do you Dina." She's right. If you want to be successful, you can make sure you don't intentionally hurt someone, but you also can't be untrue to yourself. It can be difficult. I don't expect my friends to be like me. I want them to be who THEY are.
I have reached this point in my life where I know who I am in the fact that I at least know who I want to be for the most part - allowing room for growth and change. I also definitely know what I don't want or who I don't want. I look at what friends or family go through in their relationships and I know I don't want to be Sally home maker or June Cleaver and I can't believe I ever wanted to. I don't want to be with someone who is overly religious as I don't like living in a black or white world. I don't want to be with someone who is less driven than I am or who can't encourage. I won't settle for someone who is emotionally, verbally, sexually, or physically abusive. I won't settle for being with a racist. I don't want to be someone who needs to look down on others to feel good about myself and yet I've been there - but I see myself and I just want to be with someone who also sees themselves and wants to strive to be better. We are all always a work in progress unless we choose to remain in a stagnant state. I have escaped the tiny box I grew up within. It was safe and I never intended to leave, but the fact remains that I did wander right out of it and I've found that I like continually pushing at the boundaries of my life. To go back in now would feel like a prison.
I think that's why no matter what, I still make attempts to diet and exercise even when it fails to yield desired results. It's just so frustrating when it doesn't yield much by way of result. A girl wants to see the fruit of her labors.
Still, I came to the realization one day that I was single and still planning to have a life I didn't have. Why keep buying things for a home when I don't have one? Why worry about buying a house when it will suck me dry of all my resources while I sit alone in it resenting everything it isn't? Why worry about not having a husband or a good boyfriend when I'm single and I can enjoy all the different complexities of each individual man that crosses my path? I can just like looking at them or talking to them or loving on them or hating on them or having fun with them. I don't have to find out a husband cheated on me or put up with the emotional abuse or have someone always telling me what's wrong with me. I can just love them for a little while and when it gets sour - move on. I can drool if they have brown eyes or blue eyes or green eyes, whether they have lots of hair in waves, curls, or a little hair - cut short and perfect, or rub on their head if they are bald. I can love their skin no matter what the color. I can rub my face and lips all over their hairy chest, or rest my cheek against their cool hairless chest. I can just see who they are and who I am when I am with them and see if he's a keeper or if when it's over, it's over. Why settle? Why make it so complicated? (Trust me I'm guilty of both and all other manner of crazy mistakes.)
With other aspects of my life, I have nothing holding me home or holding me back. I can go anywhere or do anything. I don't need someone to go with me or hold my hand. If I want to travel to some far off place, I do it. If I want to try octopus, I do it. If I want to get in my car and drive to St. Louis or Minneapolis, I do it. If I want to blow $400 on something stupid, I can do it. If I can't find someone to do it with me, I often still do it. I've overcome fears of both eating and drinking alone. I don't like it - but if you really want to do something, just do it. I can't go back now. I've started down a road that no longer seems scary. There's a new adventure in a lot of things. I do everything I can to live for these moments when I walk down that path toward something new - knowing some part of me will change because of it.
There is something to be said for a life of freedom and lack of obligation and even though I wish with all my heart I had a true husband and partner and a couple of children, I don't. This is what I have. So I will be me and I will love being me in every way I can and I will try to enjoy every minute of the life I have. I didn't do any crazy shit when I was younger but there is much I will do now. There are more fears to conquer. There is more Dina to develop. I don't know if I'll ever crack the weight loss problem and I don't think I can allow myself to let that be my whole existence. I am going to just be me and keep moving forward. There are grassy green hills in the distance - straight ahead!
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