So, I got to have my iron treatment again a couple weeks ago. I was thinking I'd start feeling great in a couple of weeks and other than realizing after a week that it was getting a little easier to climb the stairs, the last two weeks have been hell on earth. I got back into work the following Monday swollen like a balloon and in excruciating pain. I looked at the calendar and lo and behold - what time is it? Yes, your correct - my favorite time of the month - the day one week before my cycle is due and the commencement of PMS.
So now I know the next week is going to be sucky and after a few days, it gets worse and I'm thinking it's going to come just before the weekend and hopefully I'll still have a good Easter. Having taken Friday and Monday off, I had a lot of plans for the weekend that involved lifting and moving things and instead spent most of the time in bed curled in a ball and popping ibuprofen and trying not to cry because my neurotransmitters failed me again. There's nothing like waking up expecting to have a good day and instead getting endless pain.
So Easter weekend came and went. All day Monday of this week, I had horrible cramps. Tuesday they got worse. Yesterday I was walking with a permanent bend at the pelvis and after gobbling down some Naproxen-Sodium both last night and this morning, I thought for sure my special gift would arrive today. Nope. Still period-free!
What the fuck is going on? This is ridiculous. I was supposed to be starting a new exercise program this week and I'm supposed to do my company's corporate challenge walk tomorrow night. If I start later tonight or tomorrow, I'm screwed on that front unless I wear a diaper. Still, other than phantom starts today, it doesn't seem as though it will ever come. I'm supposed to go to a Beer Fest on Saturday. You know what those are like. I'll give you a clue. Johnny On the Spot. And it's supposed to be like 80 degrees outside and humid - and I'm supposed to be beer tasting?
This is when I call 'Time Out.' I've fucking had enough. This has ruined two weeks of my life already and this doesn't even count the one week of weird cramps I had before this. Thank God I see my gyno on the 1st. We are going to have to do something about this. I can't take it anymore.
The other day I sat thinking about it and PMS and all that comes with it, the heavy cycles and blood loss, and overall general iron deficiency anemia negatively affects my overall life and pursuit of health and happiness around 75% of the year. Here's how I figure. After I get intravenous iron treatment, it takes at least a month before you get the benefit where you can start getting back to self and incorporate good healthy changes - i.e. where you care about incorporating good, healthy changes, and then about six months after that, the iron levels start to taper off, getting lower and lower and lower until you're down too low. So these 3 months, you are starting to get more tired and you're not sure if it's you or not and then for the next 3 months, you are low and you are exhausted and you're waiting for your blood work to hit the number it needs to for treatment. So 6 months on. 6 months off. That's 50%. Then if you look at the good six months, you still have PMS, still have a heavy cycle, and still suffer anemia right after you lose a pint of blood until your body robs from itself to get to feeling back to normal. Since that all takes 2 weeks, that's and additional 50% of each month that you feel like shit. That's half of the good six months which is another 25% of the year.
Now, it's not that there aren't good 'mind over matter' days, but they are few and far between and you just get tired of being in pain. I am actually envious of the gals with PCOS who don't have cycles. I would rather have that than what I have. At least they don't have to worry about whether they'll be able to walk or play tennis or shop with the equivalent of a diaper on. I would give anything to drop my uterus into a toilet.
You always hear how greed or power corrupts absolutely - but I think it's really pain that does it. It warps you until you yourself are a hard, steel, sharp edged blade, ready to carve out any random person's heart. I recently shared a pic on my facebook page about the symptoms of PCOS and on the list was rage. I have a lot of anger that seems to have no place to go. Exercise helps. Sex helps but I've felt so bad about my appearance lately that I haven't had sex in over a year. I just don't think I can again until I feel better about myself. I also have been TKO'd on too many days of late. There are days when it's just not worth going out or even enjoying a few drinks for Happy Hour 'cos it might take me two days to recover. I need to get my exercise on and it's painful enough. I know exercise helps cramps - coincidentally, so does orgasm, but if you are hunched over from the pain, you're not going to make it around the block. So while I think perhaps there are green fields ahead, I have to figure out how to reach them or water my lawn for real. Something has to be done about this blood loss or I'm gonna lose it. I've lost too much already.
One more week 'til my gyno appointment. I hope I don't lose it when I'm in there but I find that when you're fat, crying theatrics tends to get you the care you deserve.
Crazy psycho over and out.
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